Searching


I’ve sat on my deck

Went on nature walks

Gone in and out of various stores

And Church, with her rosary beads.

I’ve sat on the beach and watched the waves

Been in her room looking, feeling.

Screamed at the moon and stars

All the while asking, "where are you mom? Are you here?"

In each place I’ve tried to make space in my grief to see her, to feel her.

She never disappoints.

I realize my grief is a weighted blanket over me

Weighing me down, keeping me still.

I am asking, "are you okay? Mom? Mom?"

And she answers me everyday

In the birds she sends me

In the songs I hear,

In the feeling of her in my body.

The question is the question of my thinking brain,

My feeling self has the answer.